FAQs

Do I really have to wear that?

Let’s get the big issue out of the way … If she wants you to wear a hideous dress, do it. (But please, please wait one year after the wedding to enter a picture in an “ugly dress contest!”) But that doesn’t mean you can’t encourage the bride to consider styles of the dress that flatter the various figures in the bridal party. She wants her pictures to look fabulous, doesn’t she? Just do so BEFORE you head to the dress shop, and do not count on the bridal shop staff to back you up on this. After all, body-appropriate styles and separates are less likely to require expensive alterations, a major source of income for many dress shops and companies!

 If you’re looking through magazines with her, point out things you love, but not the things you don’t. You do NOT want her to decide you won’t like anything she chooses, so she shouldn’t bother trying to pick something you’ll like! Point out that more and more weddings include different styles of dresses in the same color, so as the years go by, her wedding pictures may look more hip if she embraces the trend!  

 She wants her pictures to be beautiful and timeless, and the best way to get that is to have bridesmaids who are as comfortable as possible in what they’re wearing.

Work on color, too … if you have red heads, you do NOT want light pink dresses! Remember, it’s about how to make her look good, and she doesn’t want anybody standing out by looking dead!

But again, once she decides, go with it. It’s one day, and you don’t ever have to display a picture from her wedding in your home if you don’t love the way you look. She’ll have to look at them, but you won’t. It’s her day, and you’re her best friend, so back her up on it. It’s what a good Maid of Honor does.  

Can I say no?

Some guides say no, you can absolutely never turn down a request to be in someone’s wedding. We don’t buy it. If you don’t know this person that well and it’s weird that you’re being asked, you probably should say no, or at least ask for more information.  You may be the one because she thinks you can afford it, or are the only one well enough organized to pull it off, or she just may be in a fight with her best friend. None of these situations can end well. But do be prepared … if you say no, you may not be invited to the wedding at all. You just may mean more to her than you know, and isn’t that sweet!

If you’re afraid you just can’t afford it, talk to her about that. Let her know that you love her, and you want to be sure she has the support she deserves, and you are totally there emotionally … but maybe not in all other ways. Find out what she has in mind, and try to work it out. If she really wants you, do everything you can to make it happen. There’s a reason she asked, and if you say no on account of money, it will hurt her feelings even if she completely understands. But if you really can’t, you don’t want to resent her to the point that it ends your friendship. Is this a lifelong friend? Then do everything you can to deal with the short term financial damage. In 20 years, you’ll still be her Maid of Honor, long after the credit card has been paid off.

If she asks immediately after getting engaged, tell her how excited you are to be a part of her wedding … but be prepared to be downsized or replaced. This often happens when a college woman gets engaged. She may ask her roommates or sorority sisters to stand up with her because you spend so much time together now … but once she tells her childhood best friend, or thinks about the groom’s three sisters, or her parents tell her she is not having a massive wedding, she may have to reconsider.

Also, think about your own life first, just this once J  If you’ll be doing an internship for a Presidential campaign the summer before an election, and she’s getting married someplace expensive and difficult to fly to, you may have to reconsider. Please, warn her ahead of time! She may not understand why your clerkship in the Federal Appellate Court is more important than her wedding shower or dress shopping. (Let that serve as a general warning to anyone considering inviting a law/dental/medical student to stand up in your wedding … they may really be just too crazy busy!)